A Mother's Journal
by writinginmyjeans
Summary: "Baby girl, today was the hardest, happiest and scariest day of my life." Dantana, Lucy Messer and mentions of the other members of the CSI family! - ON HIATUS
1. Greater Good

**A/N: This is a companion piece to 'A Father's Journal'. My take on Lindsay's time and feelings about her new born and beautiful daughter, Lucy Messer. Hope you guys enjoy this!**

**Timeline: Set after the birth of Lucy Messer in 'Greater Good'.**

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My beautiful baby girl, Lucy Messer,

As I watched your father leave my hospital room to go check on you, I can't help but let the tears of total happiness fall freely down my face. Baby girl, today was the hardest, happiest and scariest day of my life.

Hardest because when they say that giving birth is no easy feat, they're stating the biggest understatement in the world. Happiest because you're finally in this world, safe and sound, and I can finally hold you while your father wraps his arms around me and we admire how the two of us could have produced something as beautiful and special as you. Scariest because there's always going to be this fear, Lucy, that I am going to be an awful mother and that someone as special as you, deserves a mother way better than me. But there is no way in the world am I letting another woman be your mother, baby girl, because I love way too much to let you go.

Being a CSI isn't exactly a safe job, Lucy. And it is because of that that I have a higher risk of not coming home than other mothers. It is because of this fear that I am writing you this diary. I think your father was thinking of making one for you but I haven't actually seen him do it. I think he just wants it to be between the two of you. Well, baby girl, his man journal will be between the two of you but my diary will be between the two of us, okay?

Your Daddy and I had a tough time finding a proper name for you. Your Daddy wanted to name you 'Lucy' but I wanted to name you 'Lydia'. But when I had a talk with your Papa Mac and your Auntie Stella, I realized that 'Lucy' would be a better name for you. You want to know why, baby girl?

Because your Papa Mac and Auntie Stella told me that the name 'Lucy' means light and that is exactly what you are to me and your Daddy, baby girl. You are our light. Your father and I were going through a trying time in our relationship before we had you, Luce, everything between us was dark. It's because of those times that I feared telling your father about you.

But I feared for nothing, Lucy. Your father loved you the moment he saw that sonogram of you. I remember my heart beating so fast that I thought it'd pump out of my chest when I saw that small smile on his face when he saw you. Your Daddy loves you lots, baby girl. Always did and always will.

And so will I, Lucy. Like I said previously, I might not be a good enough mother for you, baby, I want to promise you that I will try my best to be the mother you deserve to have. I will always love and care for you and your Daddy and you always come first in my life. I love you and your Daddy so much, Lucy. And I know you love me too.

Earlier today, Uncle Don, Uncle Adam, Uncle Sheldon, Papa Mac and Auntie Stella came down to meet you and they fell head over heels in love with you, Lucy. These are other people in your life you can always count on, Lucy, after me and your Daddy, should anything befall on us.

I love you, Baby Messer.

Loving you always,  
Your Mother,  
Lindsay Messer

P.S. Your Daddy was just joking about you not being able to date until you're forty when he was talking with your Uncles. Well, at least I think he is. But if he isn't, I got your back, Lucy. Always.

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**A/N: Please review and tell me what you think!**


	2. Grounds for Deception

**A/N: Thank you very much to afrozenheart412 for your awesome review! **

**Timeline: Set during 'Grounds for Deception', when Stella and Mac are in Greece.**

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My beautiful baby girl,

As I took a break from processing the piece of evidence that I had just uncovered just now (it was an ancient Greek artifact!), I couldn't help but smile at the thought of you and your Daddy uncovering your own piece of evidence in the other lab room. Your Daddy is so protective and loving of you, baby girl, and I know that you definitely will not feel an absence from his love for even a second. Because I sure haven't.

I don't know whether to be amused or worried about how protective your father is of you, Lucy. He seems to think that he will be the only guy in your life and I really don't know whether to fear or laugh that that may be the case for a long time. But baby girl, I'm sure neither of us will have it any other way. When I saw how your Daddy was towards Blake just because I told him you adored said lab assistant, you can bet that your Uncle Adam and I had a good laugh at his protectiveness over you. It was also then that I realized that you and your father are going to have lots of arguments in the future about your maturity and other guys.

Your Auntie Stella is going through a rough time right now, baby girl. But don't worry, your Papa Mac has it covered, baby girl. Your Papa Mac always saves the day. Of course, that really doesn't stop me or your Daddy or your Uncles from worrying about the both of them though. We're all a team, Lucy, and I'm sure you'll grow up to see that our lab partners are our family too.

Your Auntie Stella is one of the most supportive and strongest women I have ever met and I am pleased and honored to say that she is one of my best friends. If you ever feel that you can't come to me or Daddy to talk about something (which I really hope doesn't happen because you can talk to me about anything, baby girl), then you can go to your Auntie Stella cause she is a great person to talk to. She was the first person I'd told about my late friends, baby girl, and I'll always be thankful for the love and support that your Auntie Stella had given me. But then again, I guess that's the way she is, baby girl, strong, supportive and a good friend.

Another person you should know about is your Aunt Jess. She isn't here right now but she should be back in a few days. Your Uncle Don has been dating her for a long time and I have a feeling that she may his 'The One' as your Daddy is to me. Your Uncle Don cares about your Aunt Jess so deeply, baby girl, and she's definitely a keeper. She's only seen you for a while but baby girl I have to tell you that you definitely have her wrapped around your tiny finger just like you have everyone else. She's going to be one of the growing number of people who is going to spoil you rotten. And when she and your Uncle Don get married, you and their children are going to be best friends.

Don't tell your Daddy, baby girl, but I found his journal to you but don't worry, because I didn't read it. This diary is for the two of us and the two of us only and I think that your Daddy would want the same thing with his journal. Well, to make it fair, I guess I'm just going to have to 'accidentally' forget to take this diary from our dresser table, I guess. Once your Daddy see that this diary's to you, he won't even read it. I know, Mommy's sneaky!

I'm going to end this diary with how happy I am that you have your me, Daddy and your Aunts and Uncles and Papa Mac because baby girl, we are all you're ever going to need. And we're going to have arguments and disputes in the future but we're all get through it. Because we always do.

Love,  
Your Mama, Lindsay Messer

P.S. I love you, in case I haven't told you in a while (which I doubt very much).

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**A/N: What do you guys think? I really feel very unconfident about this. So please tell me what you think and what I can do to improve this. Please Review!**


	3. Pay Up

**A/N: To afrozenheart412 for never failing to review, thank you so much! : )**

**Timeline: Set after the shooting in 'Pay Up'.**

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My Dearest Baby Girl,

As I write in this entry for you, you're sleeping soundly beside me, your dad's unconscious in front of me and my hands are still stained with your father's blood. By the time you read this, Lucy, I know that you will be mature enough to understand the contents of this entry. Today has been such an emotional day for both me and your Daddy, baby girl, and the only way I'm ever going to feel better is by writing this down to you. Because in a way, I'm letting it all out to someone I trust and love. You.

I lost a great friend yesterday, Lucy. Her name, which I'm very sure you've heard of, is Jessica Angell and though I'd never worked with her on a case, we became great friends outside of work because she was your Uncle Don's girlfriend. And today, I just might have lost your father too.

A shootout happened earlier last night, Lucy, and your father was seriously injured. I have never felt so scared in my life, and I have been scared so many times before. He couldn't feel his legs, baby girl. Everything happened so fast. One moment we were having a drink and the next, your father had his arm wrapped around me protectively and we were all on the ground with pieces of glass shattered everywhere. And then when your father tried getting up, he just couldn't.

Everything else was a blur for me after that, Lucy. Never had I been so unaware of the people or the surroundings around me. All that mattered to me then was your father. All I saw was his pale face, his clothes stained with his own blood and his unmoving legs. And as he was in his surgery, I held on to you, baby girl, because you're my light in my darkest times and you give me hope by just being there and showing me that I'm not alone. The doctors came out 4 hours, 35 minutes and 6 seconds later with the news that your Daddy would be fine. Never had I been more relieved.

What I was aware of, however, was the presence of the entire lab family in the waiting room. They didn't have to be there, Luce. They were all injured and tired and still shaken from the night's events but they chose to stay with me in the waiting room. I'll always remember Mac pacing, Stella trying to comfort me by putting her arms around me, Don and Sheldon waiting and praying quietly and Adam and Sid harassing the nurse at the counter about the possible dangers and cures for your father. All of them though, took turns holding you because like I said, you give us hope.

What makes me proud of all of us, baby girl, is that even if we haven't solved this case and caught the bustards (forgive my language) I know that none of us will rest until we find them because this has just turned personal. I hope you never have to see the look of utter fury on your Papa Mac's face. It's scary, baby girl.

Which brings me back to your father, Lucy. He is such a brave man, baby girl, and no matter where or how he is, I know that the two of us come first in his life. And I love him more and more everyday for that. I don't know what I did to deserve him.

The next few months are going to be tough, Lucy. Your father is going to have some trouble walking but we'll be there for him no matter what. And eventually, he'll recover and he'll be out of his new wheelchair. He will be carrying you through the park and making sure nobody hurts you. He'll catch you when you're about to fall because that's who your Daddy is to us, our savior. He'll make it through because he's one of the strongest and most determined person I'm proud to know. And if he tries giving up half-way… Well, then he has you and me to support him and kick his butt if he even dares not trying, right?

Your Daddy loves you so much, baby girl, and so do I. I feel so much better after 'talking' to you. I always did, always do and always will.

Love,  
Your Mama

P.S. You can talk to me about anything too. I love you, my ray of hope in darkness.

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**A/N: PLease Review! :D **


	4. Epilogue

**A/N: Once again, thank you to afrozenheart412 for reviewing! **

**Timeline: Set during 'Epilogue'.

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My dearest baby girl,

My heart is racing faster than it should and my hands just can't stop shaking as I write in this journal entry to my most favorite girl in the world. Right now the only person I know I can talk to is you. And I thank G-d everyday that I have you and your father with me in this big city.

Your father's going through a very rough time now, Lucy. He's physically and emotionally hurt and I can't think of any way of helping. Since the day he got out of the hospital. I just couldn't shake off a feeling that keeps telling me that your Daddy is keeping something from me. And as I am always right when it comes to matters concerning your father and you, I found out that your Daddy doesn't have a 60% chance of walking again. No, Lucy, he has 10.

What scares me the most, baby girl, is that your father seems to be giving up. He seems to think that no matter what he does, he won't be able to walk again. Well, I know differently, Luce. You know why? Because your father is the strongest man in the world and he can get through anything. Right now, he just needs a little kick in that cute butt of his. Alright, since you're probably scrunching up your nose in disgust right now, I'll stop right there.

What I do know is that while he might feel like giving up now, he won't. You know why? Because your Daddy is determined to be the best Daddy in the world to you. He's already planning on strategies to help you ride a bike, scare off the many boys that will be after you and he's also planned on ways to stop your wedding and prove to you that the man you're marrying is not good enough for you. So beware, Lucy.

Hmm… do you think if I got too busy one day and I asked your Uncle Sheldon to fetch your Daddy, your Uncle Sheldon might be able to talk some sense into your father? Wait, Luce! That might actually work! Alright!

You're the best, Lucy Messer. You definitely inherited my brains! Although, you do look a lot like your father and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Love,  
Your Mama,  
Lindsay Messer

P.S. I really hope you remember this when you start fighting with your father and the two of you start disagreeing. Because no matter how frustrated your father may be of you in the future, or how irritatingly protective he can be, he's still you loveable father who was determined to get out of a wheelchair for the two girls he loved most in the world. Us.

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**A/N: Please review! **


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